Serena Gracepaws

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Serena Gracepaws

Post by Serena(Lopunny) on Wed Jul 13, 2016 11:25 am

I decided to just keep this post to only one OC which is not finished and I will not work on for now, I think. >~>
Here, have the horrible doc for now.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ok0yo66OJxF4XRG7R8STEXCgDr8huIJCRqjsiEQg8To/edit?usp=drive_web


Last edited by Serena(Lopunny) on Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:32 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : . . .)
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Re: Serena Gracepaws

Post by Serena(Lopunny) on Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:55 pm

I've just noticed the tables on the doc look bad. They looked good and centralized on the app, damnit! >~>


Last edited by Serena(Lopunny) on Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:33 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : I'M NOT FIXING THAT.)
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Re: Serena Gracepaws

Post by Fraction on Fri Jul 15, 2016 6:52 am

Okay now I know where to utilize my time.
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Re: Serena Gracepaws

Post by FluffyDeoxys on Tue Jul 19, 2016 11:43 pm

they're a little hard to read with the tables, but... they look fine for the incompleteness they possess. hard to judge what's not finished.


you can shorten the url's with [url=<link>] <the words you want the link to apply to> [/url], i believe.


Last edited by FluffyDeoxys on Sun Sep 18, 2016 6:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Serena Gracepaws

Post by FluffyDeoxys on Mon Jul 25, 2016 11:45 pm

and, since, well, i have more time, i'm going to pick two of these OCs and see what i can do in personal opinion terms of how to make them better (despite the wide absence of backstories, as of which make things a little more difficult.) i'll start with serena, and may pick another at a later date, or redo serena if you end up reading this and editing her bio at all.

Serena (Lopunny)

corsiva is not a great font to use-- a little difficult to read and not especially pleasing to the eye to quickly skim over. not a big flaw, but one worth noting to maybe making it Verdana or Georgia.

a little more information (maybe regarding height? weight? alignment? and so on) beneath a subtitled "general information" or "basic facts"? even down to listing the name would be helpful, even if the title does say "Serena Gracepaws, The Lopunny".

the subtitles aren't evenly distributed, only shuffled over a bit with spaces from a left alignment. making them... maybe 25+ in size might make it more... subtitle-y? same with the relations. aside from these aesthetic notions... let's see what i can do for your "personality."

Socially Awkward: as defined by definitions (and the use of wikipedia [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_skills]), her "social awkwardness" should not be merely defined as "It is really difficult for her to start conversations", with one example of what occurs from this "social awkwardness". why is this? has it influenced any other traits? (as social awkwardness can deteriorate social conduct as one tends to avoid social situations entirely, but not always. more a general statement.) shy and lonely ties into this "social awkwardness", but should not be limited to a basic "yup, here it is, and this is how it is." ask why-- well, make the reader ask and understand why. 

Shy: "when she first meets someone, she peaks in a low voice tone". the latter of this sentence is kind of weak in terms of being grammatically correct, so it's difficult to understand instantly. nonetheless, this is coming back to the why. her mentality is important (and yet, right now, impossible to understand as the backstory is not present), and affects the output of her day-to-day interactions (better known as RPs in our case.) and from the loneliness perspective, this could be because of her recent isolation (then again, WHY was she isolating herself?) making her quite socially timid. 
the physical contact... okay. i don't have much to say about that. additionally, i'd suggest better words (from my perspective, which you can totally ignore): introverted; timid; insecure; meek etc.

Lonely: hey looK MORE WHY QUESTIONS. why does she distance herself? as in "she's usually out there by herself". it may tie in with her social awkwardness, but that's up to you. what part of her yet-to-be backstory left this poor girl all lonely-like? "She barely hangs out with with anyone, but she likes it that way". why does she? why be timid and socially awkward when you'd prefer to not be with anyone at all? timidity doesn't exactly mean it'll make you all lonely-- just cautious and worrisome within social surroundings, in generic assumptions. i can only make assumptions here, as a LOT is missing (or yet to be implemented) from this bio.

Known Moves:
this doesn't really need its own table, and could probably be put in the uppermost table, with the rest of the small, general facts.

and for your relations-- where is nieve boi

---

hopefully this helped a bit -- fluffy.


Last edited by FluffyDeoxys on Sun Sep 18, 2016 6:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Serena Gracepaws

Post by Serena(Lopunny) on Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:28 am

E-Erm, t-thanks? T-That really makes me feel like an idiot...So thanks for that >~>


Last edited by Serena(Lopunny) on Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:36 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : I can't spell.)
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Re: Serena Gracepaws

Post by FluffyDeoxys on Tue Jul 26, 2016 7:44 pm

Serena(Lopunny) wrote:E-Erm, t-thanks? T-That really makes me feel like an idiot...So thanks for that >~>

oh! really sorry if it did. i just gave an honest opinion which i hope would help. i hope it did.
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