Any feedback on it?

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Any feedback on it?

Post by Lara And Larry on Sat Sep 17, 2016 3:57 pm

Ok, Arti and Rico Shouldn't be reading this. I'm asking if you think it's ok and what needs improvement. K?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Sh6U4vM8Y8IEAs2udWGLPJhKgdCF8QZq0Xo-vlGyLlM/edit
^ Is My OC Ho-oh entry Takuya Shizu. It's my first full OC doc, so please don't hate. Thanks! cheers
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Re: Any feedback on it?

Post by FluffyDeoxys on Sat Sep 17, 2016 8:38 pm

to start, the font colour shouldn't vary so wildly, and in this case, especially not with all of those vibrant colourations of green and blue against grey. maybe keep it all black ? the font-size seems pretty accurate, however !

the, erm, "phoenix wings" ability with the statement she couldn't live without her friends! is, to me, a big deterring statement. do legendaries care for meagre relations to "friends", when this deity casts joy throughout the lands ? 

a personality is lacking, also, so i highly suggest getting one written. 

and the description of Takuya involving her "pokemon friends" ( such is your own OCs is perfectly fine ), but we have no clue how the ho-oh came to trust / be friendly with them, and how much effort would've been needed to overcome some flaw that should be part of the legend ( e.g. self absorbance, one-track mind ), but i can't see anything that stands out.

and,, muffins is a comical addition, sure, but shouldn't really be a taunting, "magical bypass" to gain this huge birds affections.

in the 'backstory' adaptation, it's kind of difficult to see what perspective we're looking at, despite it saying "told be takuya herself". "sigh.." really should be replaced with either "the bird emitted an exhausted sigh" or "a sigh can be heard before introduction", or removing it entirely. the inclusion of arceus is probably not a good idea, either, as eluding to legendaries directly can cause confusion. you still can, but maybe ambiguously ? like, reference arceus as a "white, unnamed deity", maybe.

the abilities are very creative, i will announce, but besides this, there is very little substance of the character being legendary, just a normal ol', half-done but full of potential 'mon. which it shouldn't be ! it should be telling the reader of how legendary it really is.

hopefully that critique was alright, trying to make it as constructive as possible,,
haha.
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Re: Any feedback on it?

Post by Jakob is Dead on Sun Sep 18, 2016 1:24 am

First off, the personality seems awfully paradoxical. "She doesn't have that much anger in her" Then you begin describing a world of hellish torment when she is angry.
Second, the basic description tells us next to nothing about her, her friends or how she met, or why she cares for them.
Last I bring up the History, the objective mistakes of Distortion World being written "distorsion world" and barely being misspelled "berely" tell me that you made this doc without double checking it. Also, the history is vague. Why was she put in the Distortion World? How did she come to burn the tower? How did she make her friends? Personally, I don't even understand what you were trying to convey. She was a normal girl who became legendary when the tower came down? I would recommend making it clearer and probably extending it by about three paragraphs or more. It"ll give you far more opportunity to showcase your character and her personality.
Good Luck getting perms. If you're anything like I was when I first applied, you're gonna need it.
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Re: Any feedback on it?

Post by Fraction on Sun Sep 18, 2016 6:43 am

'People allowed Using this pokemon: Me and PokemonTrainerRen'

Afaik you can't share legend perms with anyone. Fluffy already mentioned everything I wished to point out, being the lovely user she is.

Also credit the artist who drew that gijinka.
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Re: Any feedback on it?

Post by Lara And Larry on Fri Sep 23, 2016 5:44 am

Ok well that makes sense. I changed a few things
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Re: Any feedback on it?

Post by Cruella on Wed Sep 28, 2016 12:21 am

You've got a case of colour syndrome where you have gone awol on the doc with colours. It makes it difficult to read and kind of messy. Just a heads up. I'd recommend sticking to 1(preferably) or 2 two colours of font. Secondly, I'd really recommend going back and checking your grammar/spelling. You've made a lot of errors here. Some of the abilities also seem inconsistent or godmodlike. My final bit of advice would be that the personality seems to contradict itself. You've described them as being relaxed most of the time, but also angry/violent most of the time. These are just some things I think you could improve on your doc.
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Re: Any feedback on it?

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