Feedback on this OC?

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Feedback on this OC?

Post by Kazz on Mon Sep 19, 2016 6:11 pm

Okay, first of all, I'm probably changing the appearance since I'm seeing as it doesn't make sense, even if Team Magma doesn't exist without Hoenn on the World Map. When you read this comment, I might've changed it already. W.I.P

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vjna0P79-wr_-m5yhAox6Vvt3_e2L-b_fnUt4jSGO_g/edit Here is my groudon legendary OC that I've submitted. Any feedback?
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Re: Feedback on this OC?

Post by Jazz Fantasia on Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:41 pm

I'm not the best person to give advice on this, but sure.
Personality
'...does not like to open to just anyone...' I'd elaborate on this, it seems like you're scratching the surface of a few other traits here. Is he nervous about talking to them? What is his opinion on strangers? How does he treat these close friends of his? Along with lonely, what other traits might go in tandem with it? Is he terribly upset over his isolation, or has he accepted it? Focus on details that your reader might need, and answer those unasked questions.

'...acts very wise and intelligent...' Acts? What are some ways he acts intelligent - is he always willing to offer an answer to situations, does he think before acting? Intelligence and wisdom are both very subjective traits here, and I think it's better to describe them using a variety of quirks and other traits instead of stating them like that. How is he wise? Is he proficient in geography, et cetera?

'...knows how to guide himself through the land...' So everywhere he is, he has a natural sense of direction? If so, I'd probably include that on the abilities as a passive.

'...good use of the world's natural resources.' How? Is he hyper-vegan 'good use', or is he just conservative 'good use'?

Background

'the Earth' is a proper noun, capitalise the E in 'earth'. So he took it upon himself to create volcanoes and to control them? What of his relationship with Arceus? This might tie into his inactivity/dormancy. Away from society - was this his choice? What was he like back then, equally reclusive? This might be information you want to include on the 'Personality' section. How was Groudon received? What was his relationship with Kyogre at the time?

Why was he training for a battle? Increased tensions with Kyogre, perhaps? Was anyone aware of this? How did they react?

How long was 'eventually'?

Woah, watch out - wild tense change. 'learns' and 'learned' are both different tenses - keep it in past, preferably.

'wasn't supposed to ever leave' - clean up that sentence. "That he was supposed to never leave," perhaps.`But we see an answer to one of my previous questions - why he was sleeping in that cave so often!

'elder sage guarding it giving him the best of luck' Clean up that sentence. :c

What of Veles and Top? Has Veles left Top for his own adventures? Agency is everything!

Walp, that's all of my trash. Anyway, "A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car." Hope this even remotely helped.
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Re: Feedback on this OC?

Post by Kazz on Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:48 am

No, Top is still there. I haven't written about what happened next because he's a part of his next adventure.

Thank you for the other feedback, though.
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Re: Feedback on this OC?

Post by AloisOfTrancy on Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:55 pm

Overall a wonderful OC Kazz, although I may contradict myself on this with my own OC's, my only criticism at the moment is that if you wish to apply for Legendary Permissions with Veles you may wish to lower the amount of times you mention other legendary pokemon without the player's consent/word?
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