My First Serious Pokemon OC!

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My First Serious Pokemon OC!

Post by N0MOARBISCUITZ on Sat Jun 17, 2017 3:01 am

HEAVY WORK IN PROGRESS!

Hello Everyone!
I have Semi-finished my first serious oc. I kinda went too much in to the back story but I love it and hope you guys like it too!

Noah Nicorvo
[Wip-need photos]


Basic Info:

Name:
Noah Nicorvo [Ni-Core-Vo]
Original Region:
Unova
-Home Town: Striation City.

First Pokemon:
Mini - Minccino

Additional Regions:
Kalos, Kanto, Alola

Current Team:
Mini - Cinccino
Sir - Serperior
Anchor - Dhelmise
Rocky - Rhyhorn
Red - Talonflame
Qicky - Scolipied

Noah Nicorvo:

Current Age:
16

Personality:
Noah was anti-social and shy due to his illness before his journey through the Unova region. But after his grand adventure he is now a semi-out going person who help others and train for his next fight constantly. He loves pokemon and talks to his pokemon as he travels. One thing that other trainers find off about Noah is that he keep his pokemon out of their balls and let them follow him and he says it's their choice to go in to their balls or not.

Hight:
6’ 4”

Weight:
140 Pounds

Skin Color:
Pale White

Hair Color:
Dirty Blond

Medical Conditions:
HyperThyroidisum- He has Hyper motbalisum and this makes it hard for Noah to keep wight or stay hydrated for long, which makes him skinny and have pale skin

Favorite Color:
White

Family:
-Mother: Marry Nicorvo
-Father: Sam Nicorvo
-Siblings:
--Sisters: Jane Nicorvo, [Older] 19, Fashion Model
--Brothers: Nick Nicorvo, [Older] 21,Construction Worker

NOT COMPLETE! Backstory:

Noah was born on April 13 in Striation City. Though shortly after his birth his parents and the doctors noticed that Noah ate much more food then the other infants and he had a pale coloring. They ran some tests on the infant and concluded that Noah has Hyperthyriodisum, though this didn't have much impact on his early life when he grew older his appatite grew with him and a much larger rate. Thankfully this wasn't a real problem because his mother is garden worker while his father is a dream yard worker and his two older siblings kept a close eye on him. His young years were quite peaceful and sweat due to his parents and sibling care.

Though at 8 Noah traveled out to the dream yard alone at night because he was hearing some noise coming from there, he told his parents but they disreguarded it Noah felt different, and after building enough courage quickly he quick went out in the dark. As he came closer to the noise it started to sound like a pokemon’s cry and Noah started to run toward the cry. When he arrived there he saw a small Minccino holding an oran berry as it was being picked on by pidoves and patrats. Noah was scared because he didn’t want to stand there as the poor pokemon was being picked on and yet at the same time he was scared of being hurt by the other pokemon. Noah stood there quietly as he quickly looked around in fear, his body frozen and fear crawled in to his courage and started to pick at it. The innocent cries shook Noah out of the fear filled state and allowed him to build just enough courage to pick up a large stick and run in head strong waving it around as much as he could for someone of his age.

The pidoves and patrats became spooked by the quick small child and ran off. Noah dropped the branch after the other pokemon ran off and helped the injuired chincilla. The Minccino was scared but damaged so it couldn’t fight off the child and let him help it. Noah picked up the pokemon with all of his strength and ran back to his house holding the weak pokemon. When he returned to town his parents were looking for him because Noah left the front door wide open when he left. Marry, Noah's mother, immediately spotted the injuired pokemon in Noah’s arms as he came close to the house. Noah ran up to them looking like he is about to cry. “mommy!” Noah cired as his mother kneeled down to him. Marry looked over her frail son holding the pokemon and her mother instinct kicked in "Noah dear it's going to be ok. Your father will be here soon." Marry said calmly before yelling to Noah's father. Sam ran over and kneeled down as well and put his hand on Noah's shoulder and spoke in a calm fasion "Noah it's really hurt, we need to take it to a poke center." Noah nodded and allowed his father to pick up the minccino from Noah hands and Sam bolted towards the pokemon center, and Noah and Marry followed him. When Sam bursted into the center Nurse Joy ran over, and Sam handed the fragile pokemon to Nurse Joy and Joy took the pokemon away immediately to take care of it.

After Noah calmed down he told his parents what happened, from the cries, to him carrying it here. The parents were proud of Noah even though he broke the rules. They went home that night after Noah got to see the pokemon one more time. The parents had a talk about the pokemon that Noah saved after they put him to bed. Marry was the first to speak "So, about that Minccino." Sam sighs and crossed his arms "It is a random pokemon, we can't trust it." Sam explained. Marry nodded but responded quickly with "But did you see the care in Noah's eyes as he was holding the poor thing?" Sam snaps back "yes but also how do we know how it will react towards in the second it see him again?" Marry got mad and crossed her arms "Well Noah did save its life. Also Noah wanted something to prove his responabilty and this might be a sign to let him have a chance like this." Sam relaxed and looks at Marry "You know what, let Noah decide if he wants to keep it or not. doesn't that sound fair?" Marry nods and settled the talk with a kiss on Sam's cheek and went to bed.

So the next morning Marry and Noah headed to the pokemon center to check up on the minccino to only find it running around looking for something. Nurse Joy walked up to them and told them that the pokemon recovered quickly but was on edge because it was looking for something. After Joy finished the minccino hid behind Noah, Noah turned around and softly petted the pokemon. Minccino hugs Noah in fear and didn’t let go. Noah giggles and Marry asked why the pokemon was scared and Joy guessed that it was afraid that the other pokemon was looking for her still. Noah as slight caught off guard that it was a she but didn’t mind because she didn’t move far away from him. Noah finally asked his mother without warning if he could keep it. Marry sighs and chuckles before responding yes. Noah was excited and hugged minccino. Noah named her Mini due to her small size and from then on Mini and Noah grew up and traveled together.

More to come!

Also can you guys give me feed back on my oc to improve it and make it better, Thank you in advance

*EDIT: 6/16: FEW FIXES, 6/18: A LOT OF FIXES AND MORE DETAILS IN THE STORY

-N0MOAR Out!


Last edited by N0MOARBISCUITZ on Sun Jun 18, 2017 2:59 am; edited 2 times in total

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Re: My First Serious Pokemon OC!

Post by Fervis on Sat Jun 17, 2017 9:19 am

I guess I could give some construcrive criticism, but do take it with a pinch of salt as I may not be right all the time.

1) Neat backstory! I love the detail put into just one incident.
2) It seems that the backstory only focuses on what happened long ago. Is there anything that motivated Noah to build his team? Why didn't he just stick to Mini?
3) While it is great that Mini has a personality, what about the rest? I'm sure his other 'mon would have personalities of their own, but what are they? Oh, and maybe you'd also like to include how he interacts with them as well.
4) This suggestion is a minior one for aesthetics. You might want to paragraph his backstory a little. Having 2 giant paragraphs may seem a little intimidating to read.
5) Hm, while I can infer a bit of Noah's personality through the backstory, is there anything that has changed? Dies he have any quurks that are unique to him? What are his goals, likes and dislikes?

That is it for now, hope this helps!


Last edited by Fervis on Sat Jun 17, 2017 11:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: My First Serious Pokemon OC!

Post by N0MOARBISCUITZ on Sat Jun 17, 2017 3:54 pm

Fervis wrote:I guess I could give some construcrive criticism, but do take it with a pinch of salt as I may not be right all the time.

1) Neat backstory! I love the detail put into just one incident.
2) It seems that the backstory only focuses on what happened long ago. Is there anything that motivated Noah to build is team? Why didn't he just stick to Mini?
3) While it is great that Mini has a personality, what about the rest? I'm sure his other 'mon would have personalities of their own, but what are they? Oh, and maybe you'd also like to include how he interacts with them as well.
4) This suggestion is a minior one for aesthetics. You might want to paragraph his backstory a little. Having 2 giant paragraphs may seem a little intimidating to read.
5) Hm, while I can infer a bit of Noah's personality through the backstory, is there anything that has changed? Dies he have any quurks that are unique to him? What are his goals, likes and dislikes?

That is it for now, hope this helps!

Hello and thank you on the feed back and I'm fixing it as I go.

2. I didn't put WIP in backstory so it looks incomplete but much more is coming!
3. I haven't noticed that yet and thank you for bringing it to my attention. Other Events will show the other charaters personalities and ideals.
4. Eh sorry but I wrote it in one sitting [at midnight] and didn't think to cut it up, lel
5.His Goals and querks will began to grow as the story progesses and I have ALOT planned for in the fututer including 3 other regions and adventures!

Again Thank you for bringing this to my attention and helping me out!

-N0MOAR OUT!

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Re: My First Serious Pokemon OC!

Post by Firefox (Flareon) on Sat Jun 17, 2017 4:10 pm

He seems like an interesting character. I'm just curious, will you put in why he's so pale and underweight later in the backstory? He seems fine in what backstory you have written.
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Re: My First Serious Pokemon OC!

Post by switchkitty on Sat Jun 17, 2017 11:25 pm

There are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes in this, just thought to let you know that first before I really get into the nitty gritty of it all.

The basic information looks fine, a good last name too from what I can tell. Heck, my first OC had the last name of Sensk, so it's definitely a start in the right direction.

The personality is lacking, though, in my honest opinion. He's a loner, and antisocial, but so are a lot of OCs! What makes him different from another OC? Does he express himself at all? Maybe whilst battling, or with his Pokemon? The final sentence about him keeping his Pokemon outside of their Poke balls is definitely a quirk, and a good step in the right direction.

The height and weight bother me, as according to the BMI calculator I use, this kid's severely underweight, to the point that he might actually be at a severe health risk. I didn't see any mention of him having a disease that would cause this, so perhaps increase the weight?

The backstory is the hardest part for me to grade, honestly. I can't really comment upon it in terms of content, because I don't see too many cliches that personally annoy me. It's, for the most part, pretty well written.

In conclusion, this OC needs a ton of work in order to distinguish himself from all the others, but he's gotten quite a few things going for him! (Also "thou" is spelled like "though")
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Re: My First Serious Pokemon OC!

Post by N0MOARBISCUITZ on Sun Jun 18, 2017 2:11 am

switchkitty wrote:There are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes in this, just thought to let you know that first before I really get into the nitty gritty of it all.

The basic information looks fine, a good last name too from what I can tell. Heck, my first OC had the last name of Sensk, so it's definitely a start in the right direction.

The personality is lacking, though, in my honest opinion. He's a loner, and antisocial, but so are a lot of OCs! What makes him different from another OC? Does he express himself at all? Maybe whilst battling, or with his Pokemon? The final sentence about him keeping his Pokemon outside of their Poke balls is definitely a quirk, and a good step in the right direction.

The height and weight bother me, as according to the BMI calculator I use, this kid's severely underweight, to the point that he might actually be at a severe health risk. I didn't see any mention of him having a disease that would cause this, so perhaps increase the weight?

The backstory is the hardest part for me to grade, honestly. I can't really comment upon it in terms of content, because I don't see too many cliches that personally annoy me. It's, for the most part, pretty well written.

In conclusion, this OC needs a ton of work in order to distinguish himself from all the others, but he's gotten quite a few things going for him! (Also "thou" is spelled like "though")

Hello! Like said in the first line this is a heavy WIP and To be honest this is descpition of me in real life, and i am underwieight because of my insane metab [which i didn't list like a idiot, oops]

and the backstory will progress in more detail and will allow Noah to change as he grows and matures, And Lastly, I wrote this at midnight so i mighta been slightly sleep deprived but When I add the next "chapter" I will go back and fix my mistakes

Thank you soo much on the feed back and I'll proboly have the next part of his back story and fixes out by monday/tuesday

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